Do you ever get it when you just feel like you can't see anything clearly? Like everything is an effort to think about and life just seems a bit overwhelming? I have very much felt over the last few months that my brain is full. Yes my life is full of activity, but I think my capacity to give has been clearly failing. I love to give! I love to serve.
So why has it been so hard?
Over the last few months I have spent quite a lot of time being introspective - definitely a new experience for me - and I've just been trying to be honest with myself about why I do what I do. I don't know if you've ever heard of this thing called "cognitive dissonance?" It's basically where we can convince ourselves that we are in the right when very clearly we are not; we all have this ability to lie to ourselves. We do it for a number of reasons; a lot of the time we want to think the best of ourselves - that we are people of high moral character. Or we don't want to face the consequences of what happens when we get it wrong. We lie to ourselves and we believe the lies.
Now for me, for some reason I have found myself in a place where I'm recognising my own fallibility and limited capacity. For the first time I'm admitting that I can't do it all, and that that is ok. If I'm honest I have felt sadder in the last few months than ever before. Having your eyes opened to see that you are not all that is painful!
I have known a deeper intimacy with God which has been something I have craved. For a long time I have wanted the joy of knowing God closer, but without admitting my own limitations and failings. I have wanted to keep believing that I am part superhero and so don't really need God, but then have the kind of relationship which requires me to desperately need God.
Just a heads up - that doesn't work.
God has taken me on a journey and throughout it I have really been reminded of this verse:
"Yet you, , are our Father. We are the clay, you are the ; we are all the work of your hand." Isaiah 64:8
Being molded into someone that reflects God's glory is pretty painful. But if I'm honest, I don't want a mediocre life. I don't want to go through life being complacent or afraid to go through these experiences.
I started this blog way back because I wanted to be someone who celebrated adventure in the big and small things of life and even when it's difficult I want to be that person.
I feel like slowly I am getting rid of blurry lenses and things are becoming clearer. If I want to be an authentic person who is fully known, then I need to be able to know and be honest with myself and with God - I'm realising the purpose of reality checks, the benefits of honesty and the gentle nature of God.
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 1 Corinthians 13:12