However, I decided to break the cycle and to just write something.
I was glancing over the stats for this blog and it seems that every year since it began in 2011 I have struggled to post much in Jan/Feb. I don't know whether its because the start of a new year is busy, or whether I get blue because of the cold/rain/grey, or maybe because I always seem to pick up some lurgy or other at this time of year. But there is clearly a cycle of finding it more difficult to articulate and express myself during these months.
I find that in periods of pressure/stress I tend to retreat into myself. Being an extrovert that has some interesting results in the long-term.
- Frustration/lack of patience with people - not being able to have an outlet for myself means I get stressy with other people. It's not generally their fault, I have limited resources with which to deal with others.
- I tend to cry a lot - as this is basically the only outlet I can't stop.
- I over-think EVERYTHING. From whether people really like me, to whether I'm making good choices with my life, to if I can do my job etc etc.
- I get very very tired. Which is probably also why I get sick (I'm in the process of recovering from a cold - very phlegmy)
- I find it difficult to be fully present when I'm with people because I feel like I have to pretend to be ok, when actually I'm not.
Now over the end of Jan, beginning of Feb I've been in this place and thankfully I can see the light at the end of the tunnel - this week has been SO much better! But when you are in the "I'm sad and I'm not even sure why, but I don't know what to do with the sadness" place, its really hard to know how to re-focus.
Thankfully I am incredibly blessed to have some SOLID people in my life who are immense at pointing me back to truth and away from any of the lies that I might begin to believe. I've had some amazingly encouraging conversations with people from work, people from Church, people I barely know, people who I have known for ages.
Each of them has reminded me of my true value.
Each of them has made me feel accepted and loved.
Each of them has pointed me back to the anchor, the truth, the light - Jesus.
I've had people come around just to give me a hug. I've had people dropping off cards and baked treats. I've had people pray with me/for me. I've had people let me cry on them. I've had people who have just come over to chill and watch things.
I think I'm in a better place to be able to think rationally and to say that sometime life seems a bit overwhelming. Sometimes it's really difficult to remember the enormous blessings around you or to reflect on how far God has brought you. I have been SO encouraged by people who have stood with me and allowed me to be sad but have reminded me of reality. Because I love a God who is always with me, who gives value and purpose and who is a rock on which I can stand.
And so today I am breaking this weird cycle, that I don't even get, of me being sad at this time of year. The light is breaking in.