Firstly, I have been seriously blown away by the number of people who text, messaged or commented - I didn't write the post to get sympathy or a response; I wrote it because I was sad and I have been genuinely astounded at how many of you have got in touch to let me know I am loved.
Thank you. I do really appreciate you guys. People say the online community isn't real community, but following this I would beg to differ.
The things people have said have totally varied: a number of people identifying and sitting in the crap with me, some encouraging me in who God has made me, some reminding me of truth, some just sending me a hug.
It struck me that I am totally not alone in sometimes feeling a bit crap and asking the question, "what is wrong with me?" That is a little sad, because it seems that a lot of us can be in that place and not share the thoughts, and so potentially believe that there is actually something wrong with us. When, for the most part, there really isn't and it's a big fat lie.
Today 2 separate women from Church met up with me and gave me cake and chat and just exposed the lies that I was beginning to consider to be truth. It was pretty hard and I cried a lot (in a cafe which is always a little embarrassing, no one looks good when they cry) but even just having truth spoken over me changed my perspective.
The thing I realised is, sometimes despite KNOWING something in your head, believing it can be really hard. E.g. I can know that God says he works all things for my good, BUT do I really believe that God is working things for my good? Well a lot of the time it does not feel good so it's hard to believe. Does that mean God isn't working things for my good? No. It just means trusting in him is hard.
I look throughout the Bible and see so many examples of people who were able to trust God despite hugely difficult things happening to them and I want to be someone who can stand firm and plant myself on God the rock. My friend Sarah told me this story today about how somewhere there were this cliffs which were really hard to climb up and if people got into difficulty at the bottom it was really hard to get to the top to safety. So the people who lived there decided to cut steps and little caves into the cliffs so that people could make their way up and to safety. Doing that saved lives and allowed people to take shelter on their way up. Sometimes we have this image of standing on God the rock being victorious, but right now I feel like I'm more like someone sheltering in a cave somewhere within the rock and trying to trust that God is looking after me.
I found a verse which I found helpful today too:
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Basically, I feel like today I have learned/gleaned a lot and have been really encouraged by a lot of people. I am incredibly blessed to be so valued and cannot express how much of an impact a text/message/comment makes.