Coping

I know things have been a bit quiet recently - sorry for that. I haven't intentionally not been writing, it all comes down to me feeling sad and not necessarily knowing how to articulate it. These last few days I've had a bit more space to think - hence this post. 

For the last two weeks I've been feeling pretty overwhelmed and sad. To the point where there has been spontaneous uncontrollable crying, lack of sleep and appetite. Why? Well everything is changing. You might not know but apparently I don't deal with change very well. In fact I hate change. 

I had forgotten about how much I hate change, but today I was reminded of when my best friend Naomi got married. I was a bridesmaid.

I was so incredibly happy for her to get married - she was marrying one of my other best friends so it was a very joyous occasion! But as soon as they had both left the reception I cried SO much. Marriage means change. I do not like change. Change that I am not in control of. 

At the moment a number of things are changing in my life:

• Work - a number of my friends are leaving XLP in July. I am gutted to see them go because they are so quality; but I am more scared about their replacements and what they will be like. With lots of people going it makes me think "should I be going too?" and wondering if I am getting left behind. 
• Friends - a number of my friends are being hit with the summer dating bug and have paired up. Obviously I am really happy for them! But it also changes dynamics and expectations. I really don't want to be the third wheel.
• Babies - I love babies and a number have been born in recent weeks which is ace. But with that also means changes in socialising and relationships. I don't want to invade families.

When I break it down changes make me feel

1. Lonely - because I don't necessarily feel I have people I can just offload to. 
2. Scared - because I don't know what's going to happen next, what happens if there aren't new people to make friends with and then I am just alone?
3. Powerless - I can't control other people, but their actions affect me. 

I really don't deal with change well. 

The thing is a lot of my sadness is irrational. It's not like I'm necessarily losing friends, but relationships change. I'm scared that everyone is sorting out their lives and I am being left behind because that isn't happening for me. I hate feeling lonely. 

In the midst of this God has been talking to me quite a lot. Mainly about how he is the rock, he doesn't change, he is dependable and the same yesterday, today and forever. But also about how the control needs to be his anyway - I find change scary because I don't know what's coming next, but God promises to guide me and lead me in things that are good for me. 

There is hope in the midst of this - I am learning more of God's character and hopefully he is using this situation to mold me and make me more into the person he wants me to be. Someone who trusts in him, someone who turns to him before anyone else, someone who relinquishes control and follows his plan.

"Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand." Isaiah 64:8

Look Up

It's June already, where has this year gone?!

I have just got back from a holiday to Spain. It was pretty epic. Lots of sun, sea, sand and chillaxing. Just what I needed. I went for the week with my parents and youngest brother to an area of Spain called Roda de Bara, about 45 mins South of Barcelona. 

It was a week of rest and quality time. I spent a lot of my time reading, sunbathing and playing table tennis (not all at the same time). 

One of the days we made a visit to Port Aventura. Its a theme park just south of town called Tarragona and it has the highest rollercoaster in all of Europe. Now I wouldn't say I am much of an adrenaline junkie, I like rollercoasters but am not too fussed either way. But there was no way I was going to visit this theme park and not complete that ride. I thought you might want to see what it was like - so here is a little video.

It was terrifying. As I slowly went up all I was thinking was, "why did I get on this? I'm not going to like it. This is not going to be fun". However, in true rollercoaster fashion, it took my breath away. Yes it was terrifying and yes my stomach has probably been left there (along with some brain cells), but it was also incredible! 

The next day we went to Barcelona and one of the places we visited was the Cathedral. It was a huge building and inside there were loads of little side chapels with statues, sculptures or pictures to look at. The building was very grand and there was so much going on at eye level that I almost missed looking up. The ceiling was pretty epic.

 

The photo totally does not do it justice. I love looking at ceilings, because as much as buildings are cool, a good ceiling to me just shows going above and beyond. Also I find it insane how tall buildings are (maybe its because I'm so short?). A couple years ago I went to Rome and saw Michelangelo's work in the Sistine Chapel. Crazy to think he spent four years painting a ceiling! In the same way at this Cathedral I was wondering how long it took to finish the interior. 

It also struck me that so many people might just miss the thing that made me stop and take pictures. There was loads of other things to see and it would be easy to not glance up and miss the intricacy and workmanship above your head. 

Having a holiday also gave me some good thinking time and I was mulling on how in life its easy to just get on with what is in front of you. It's easy to get into routines and make friends and get comfortable. It's pretty easy to do all of that without necessarily looking up and asking God if that's what he wants. You see when I was on that rollercoaster at the start, all I could do was look up. I was facing the sky for what felt like forever. But I couldn't see anything else to distract me from the task in hand. I wasn't concerned with details, I was concerned with the main reason I was there. 

For me, I know I can get so easily side tracked - in conversation, in work, in life. I forget what the main thing is. What am I supposed to be doing? Why am I here? And instead I get bogged down in lots of things that can be and are good, but aren't necessarily what God wants me to focus on. Like I can be enjoying the room, but missing the masterpiece of a ceiling. 

I don't want to do that. I don't want to miss what God is doing, both in me and around me. I think I've been reminded that I only get to live this life once and so I want to make the most of it. I know I am at my best and most fulfilled when I'm in step with what God is doing. So it makes sense to check in, look up and make sure I'm not missing the good stuff.