Few things beat life in the sun

If you didn't already know, I am a sun lover. Whilst generally I am not blessed in going super brown (as my mum and brothers are), I enjoy the way my freckles make a seasonal appearance and my cheeks go pink as I greedily absorb as much vitamin D as humanly possible. 

I have no doubt that I have a form of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) as my spirits can be hugely impacted depending on whether the sun is out or the rain is pouring. So it is with great delight that I write, whilst we are officially still in Spring, to the benefits of sunshine in my life.

In the past month I have been able to:

• Visit Wales 

• Go to the BAFTAs
  
• Go to weddings

• Enjoy being in countryside

• Go see an incredible band (Needtobreathe) and be really near the front!

All of this has been good for the soul in terms of enjoying creation, being sociable, escaping the bustle of London and general adventuring. 

However, I've also undertaken a different kind of adventure too. In April I started speaking to a counsellor. I was finding that it was getting increasingly difficult to move forward when I was clearly carrying baggage from the past. This is an ongoing journey. Quite a few people have asked me how it's going and while I would say that I'm definitely not enjoying it, I am finding it helpful. It's amazing how giving yourself some space and freedom to actually articulate thoughts and emotions can help you to see things for what they really are. Also it's crazy (and a bit frustrating) how having your own thoughts spoken back to you by someone else can completely change your perspective or induce some kind of light-bulb moment. If you are on the fence about speaking to someone I would definitely say go and give it a try. 

I really do feel like I'm in a new season of life and that it's being defined by taking action. For instance - 

• Speaking to a counsellor - I've been thinking about this for about 3 years...easy to put off!
• Applying to be on the Island - QUALITY TV show, everyone go watch on catch up if you haven't seen it.
• Undertaking the massive challenge of cycling 100km in 1 night for the charity I am a trustee of (www.kisumuchildren,org.uk). If you can please do consider sponsoring me, even a few quid goes a long way in terms of motivation for me to keep going. 
• Taking opportunities to be kind. I saw a quote recently that said, "You will never regret being kind" I think a lot of the time I can become a bit self obsessed, getting on with my own agenda - but we are all called to be people who look out for opportunities to love others. 
• Reading a book that is reminding me who to listen to and how to live life fully and with purpose 

Too often I am sucked into believing that everyone is sorted and I'm the messed up one. It's a lie and slowly I am coming to see that. In the meantime I am enjoying life in the sun and all the joy that brings.  

 

Look Up

It's June already, where has this year gone?!

I have just got back from a holiday to Spain. It was pretty epic. Lots of sun, sea, sand and chillaxing. Just what I needed. I went for the week with my parents and youngest brother to an area of Spain called Roda de Bara, about 45 mins South of Barcelona. 

It was a week of rest and quality time. I spent a lot of my time reading, sunbathing and playing table tennis (not all at the same time). 

One of the days we made a visit to Port Aventura. Its a theme park just south of town called Tarragona and it has the highest rollercoaster in all of Europe. Now I wouldn't say I am much of an adrenaline junkie, I like rollercoasters but am not too fussed either way. But there was no way I was going to visit this theme park and not complete that ride. I thought you might want to see what it was like - so here is a little video.

It was terrifying. As I slowly went up all I was thinking was, "why did I get on this? I'm not going to like it. This is not going to be fun". However, in true rollercoaster fashion, it took my breath away. Yes it was terrifying and yes my stomach has probably been left there (along with some brain cells), but it was also incredible! 

The next day we went to Barcelona and one of the places we visited was the Cathedral. It was a huge building and inside there were loads of little side chapels with statues, sculptures or pictures to look at. The building was very grand and there was so much going on at eye level that I almost missed looking up. The ceiling was pretty epic.

 

The photo totally does not do it justice. I love looking at ceilings, because as much as buildings are cool, a good ceiling to me just shows going above and beyond. Also I find it insane how tall buildings are (maybe its because I'm so short?). A couple years ago I went to Rome and saw Michelangelo's work in the Sistine Chapel. Crazy to think he spent four years painting a ceiling! In the same way at this Cathedral I was wondering how long it took to finish the interior. 

It also struck me that so many people might just miss the thing that made me stop and take pictures. There was loads of other things to see and it would be easy to not glance up and miss the intricacy and workmanship above your head. 

Having a holiday also gave me some good thinking time and I was mulling on how in life its easy to just get on with what is in front of you. It's easy to get into routines and make friends and get comfortable. It's pretty easy to do all of that without necessarily looking up and asking God if that's what he wants. You see when I was on that rollercoaster at the start, all I could do was look up. I was facing the sky for what felt like forever. But I couldn't see anything else to distract me from the task in hand. I wasn't concerned with details, I was concerned with the main reason I was there. 

For me, I know I can get so easily side tracked - in conversation, in work, in life. I forget what the main thing is. What am I supposed to be doing? Why am I here? And instead I get bogged down in lots of things that can be and are good, but aren't necessarily what God wants me to focus on. Like I can be enjoying the room, but missing the masterpiece of a ceiling. 

I don't want to do that. I don't want to miss what God is doing, both in me and around me. I think I've been reminded that I only get to live this life once and so I want to make the most of it. I know I am at my best and most fulfilled when I'm in step with what God is doing. So it makes sense to check in, look up and make sure I'm not missing the good stuff.

Nothing to give

On Tuesday mornings every week I meet with the team that I manage for XLP. I love this time; as those of you who know me will understand - I am a team player! I love being together and being part of something bigger than myself. I love learning and growing together. This week we spent some time writing letters to God about where we were at/what was on our hearts etc. We then had time to listen to see what God was saying in response. 

So I spent some time writing to God about how sometimes I feel like this - 

But imagine that the weight is life. Sometimes I just feel very weak. Sometimes I feel like I am getting weaker the older I get - especially when I am surrounded by people who have deep needs. I don't always know how to help, how to support, how to be like Jesus, how to encourage. Sometimes I feel like my resources are limited or non-existent. It doesn't take much to deplete my stocks!

Recently I have been really struck by how I want my life to count! I want to be doing what God has created me to do...and not being sure if I am in fact doing that. Sometimes I just feel a bit lost and like I'm drifting through life not necessarily living in the fullness that is mine through Christ. 

Anyway, after attempting to articulate this to God I really felt him direct me to the story of Gideon. For those of you who don't know it, basically Gideon was the runt. 

He was the "least in his family", his family was in the weakest clan and his clan was part of the smallest tribe of God's people, the Israelites. All of the Israelites were being oppressed and so God was looking for someone to raise up to rescue his people. At this point an angel visits Gideon who is hiding in a wine-press. He greets him saying, "The Lord is with you mighty warrior". Obviously Gideon is a bit like "uh what?!"* (*that's a paraphrase - real words here)

But then the angel said, "Go in the strength you have...am I not sending you". 

Now Gideon was runty and weak! If you continue to read the story (which you can here) he is scared and unsure. Not necessarily my top choice of who I would choose to lead God's people. But I really felt like that was what God was saying to me.

"Go in the strength you have, am I not sending you"

So much of the time I can base my life on what I can do. I forget that I serve a God who is MASSIVE! He can do way more. You see Gideon was a nobody and yet God used him to defeat his enemies and establish peace. I serve that same God who can use me when I feel very weak and like I've got nothing to give. 

For me it is a huge encouragement to be directed to this verse. To be reminded that God has just asked me to go as I am, with the skills and gifts I have and to serve him. Not only that, but that he is sending me. This reassures me that:

1. He will equip me with any other skills I might need - he just asks me to be willing to use what I've got
2. He has sent me - therefore when/if I am ever supposed to do something different he will make it clear

So while I might feel weedy like this...

....thankfully, I serve a God who is able to fill in what I lack so that I can be like this!