For the last two weeks I've been feeling pretty overwhelmed and sad. To the point where there has been spontaneous uncontrollable crying, lack of sleep and appetite. Why? Well everything is changing. You might not know but apparently I don't deal with change very well. In fact I hate change.
I had forgotten about how much I hate change, but today I was reminded of when my best friend Naomi got married. I was a bridesmaid.
I was so incredibly happy for her to get married - she was marrying one of my other best friends so it was a very joyous occasion! But as soon as they had both left the reception I cried SO much. Marriage means change. I do not like change. Change that I am not in control of.
At the moment a number of things are changing in my life:
- Work - a number of my friends are leaving XLP in July. I am gutted to see them go because they are so quality; but I am more scared about their replacements and what they will be like. With lots of people going it makes me think "should I be going too?" and wondering if I am getting left behind.
- Friends - a number of my friends are being hit with the summer dating bug and have paired up. Obviously I am really happy for them! But it also changes dynamics and expectations. I really don't want to be the third wheel.
- Babies - I love babies and a number have been born in recent weeks which is ace. But with that also means changes in socialising and relationships. I don't want to invade families.
When I break it down changes make me feel
- Lonely - because I don't necessarily feel I have people I can just offload to.
- Scared - because I don't know what's going to happen next, what happens if there aren't new people to make friends with and then I am just alone?
- Powerless - I can't control other people, but their actions affect me.
I really don't deal with change well.
The thing is a lot of my sadness is irrational. It's not like I'm necessarily losing friends, but relationships change. I'm scared that everyone is sorting out their lives and I am being left behind because that isn't happening for me. I hate feeling lonely.
In the midst of this God has been talking to me quite a lot. Mainly about how he is the rock, he doesn't change, he is dependable and the same yesterday, today and forever. But also about how the control needs to be his anyway - I find change scary because I don't know what's coming next, but God promises to guide me and lead me in things that are good for me.
There is hope in the midst of this - I am learning more of God's character and hopefully he is using this situation to mold me and make me more into the person he wants me to be. Someone who trusts in him, someone who turns to him before anyone else, someone who relinquishes control and follows his plan.
"Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand." Isaiah 64:8