Since that post a number of things have happened:
- I've had quite a few conversations with people about how I've been feeling. This has helped quite a bit as I am an external processor and part of the issue was that I was struggling to find people to talk to who would help me work out what I was thinking.
- I've had some time to think. Admittedly not loads, but I've been able to think and think a bit more rationally. I am someone who generally over thinks and has an overactive imagination, so I think through a lot of "what-ifs" even though in reality some of them are ridiculous.
- I've had some people be brutally honest (in love) with me about how I cannot be as selfish as I currently am. Other people's lives do not revolve around me. Obviously I wish they did - if I'm honest I wish that people did take my feelings into account before making decisions and life choices. But that is unrealistic and unreasonable to expect.
- I've been able to connect with people who are in similar places in life and chat through the fear element of being left behind.
Coming out of all that I've had some thoughts about how I want to move forward. This isn't at all to say I've got it nailed down, and even this evening I've had a little cry because of feeling excluded, but I do not want to stay in this sad, lonely, unsure place. It sucks and it steals all of my joy and I don't like it. Here are some ideas:
- Remembering what it is that God has said a) about me, and b) to me. God doesn't think I'm a loser, or that there is stuff wrong with me. He says I am wonderfully made and precious to him. He has also said he has a plan for my life, and while I really wish I knew what that was, I can trust that he knows and he knows best.
- Remembering that people value me for me. I don't have to keep up and do what everyone else is doing. Hopefully my friends like me for who I am - no matter what stage of life I'm in.
- Things change. They just do. And yea it sucks. I have always struggle with the idea of change because I have had issues making real friends. All through growing up and into adulthood I have had a lot of people I would consider to be friends, but barely any who I actually consider to be close and who I can be totally honest with. So it sucks when those few then aren't as available as before. It does make me feel replaced and like I don't matter. But people don't have to base their lives on my feelings. I know that this is a season and that I will make new friends and get close to other people. Does it make this season any easier, no. Does it give me hope that I won't feel like this forever, yes.
- Talking is better than not talking. I think part of me is programmed to not want to look like I struggle. I'm a manager, a youth worker, an independent woman, and a lot of the time I want to look like I've got it together. I don't want to be vulnerable with people because it's risky. What happens if they don't get it? But the more I talk the more I realise other people have been there and can help. Other people are sometimes in it and are looking for people to help them through. Not talking isolates, whereas talking tends to open things up.
- Crying isn't bad. I have cried so flipping much these last few weeks. I hate it because it makes me feel out of control. Like I don't have a handle on how people see me. I think I have put a pressure on myself to always be ok. I can have bad days, but I should be fine because that's what people expect. At the moment I am not fine. The tears remind me. And it's ok. Not going to lie I am defo not enjoying this. But actually coming to terms with where I am at is positive and recognising that it's alright to not be ok and need other people is not a weakness. We have been created for community and too often I try to do life as a Lone Ranger. Crying reminds me that it's ok to be in this place.
From reading this I hope you don't think I'm messed up. I blog a lot of the time because I find it helpful to articulate feelings so I can process where I'm at. My hope is that the process resonates with others and helps us all to feel like we're not on our own.