Bowling

Today I had a realisation. 

I am not good at bowling. 

I had always thought I was pretty alright - There wasn't a bowling alley in Aberystwyth so I never played my uni friends. I only really go bowling with my family, who are good...but out of the 5 I would mostly come in the top 3. 

This evening was the second of our team socials. So 6/8 of us headed down to 1st bowl in Lewisham. It's a classy joint (not). I don't think more than 3 of the 20 lanes were ever in use for the 2 hours we were there. We played 2 games for a fiver (bargain!) and I lost BOTH times. 

Booo. 

Today has been very humbling.  

So much

I know my last post gave you an incentive to come back because you all want to find out why I went to Buckingham Palace...however, it turns out I'm not allowed to post about why I was there...I can tell you in person, but I'm not allowed to publish on social media the reason for my visit or what it entailed...so if you really want to know either facebook message me or comment below and I'll work out a way to tell you.

That had kind of been putting me off blogging for the last week because I didn't know what to say about the above event...or how to say it without saying it...if you get me.

I don't know about you but I really feel like time is getting away from me - like how is it the end of November ALREADY?! I feel like I blink and it's been a week. I also feel like I'm holding loads of things in my head. Like to-do lists. Do you ever do that? I have found I generally need to write things down otherwise I forget something important. 

This last week has been quite busy planning, youth-workering, and managing. There have been a couple of incidents at our projects this week that have meant I have needed to spend some time thinking about how to move forward, how to resolve and how to make sure we are working in the best ways possible. As well as that I was leading youth at Church today and also had the privilege of baptising 2 of the youth in a freezing cold paddling pool.

All week I have been stressing about learning some words off by heart for the baptisms and thinking that needs to be on my to-do list, but time and again I forgot to put it on and it got to last night and I was like "PANTS! I need to learn these words" Turns out it was like 2 sentences and really wasn't very hard. But I had turned it into this big deal in my head, and I think I do it quite a lot when I have lots on my plate. I seem to lose perspective and turn quite small tasks into huge things, which in turn makes me put them off and so they grow until they are huge in my head, but then they are always fine and I wonder why I wasted so much energy worrying.

Having lots on at the moment means I need to:

• Pray more - you might think surely if you pray more that's wasting time...and yes I can see where you're coming from. But genuinely there are days when I have no idea how I will fit everything in/have enough energy to do everything. Those days I need God to be strong in my weakness. That's pretty much every day.
• Be organised - (Rachel Maynard please come run my life!!) so I know what I have to do and when
• Prioritise - so I am able to get the important things done
• Be balanced - so I don't just work all the time and get frustrated about missing out on fun. Use fun as the reward :)

This time of year is always busy and I don't want to spend the next 4 weeks being stressed out because of my work load/schedule. I need to listen to my own advice...and any other advice...leave comments if you have any!

Wonder-man

I have to share with you what happened today on my way to work. 

I was meeting my colleague Sam to catch the bus to the school we work in on Wednesdays and as we were walking along to the bus stop I saw the bus turn into the road so started to peg it as fast as I could down the road to the bus stop. 

However, the bus didn't wait for us. I was running in the road to get it to wait, but it pulled away from the bus stop and carried on driving. However it stopped at some traffic lights and so I knocked on the door asking if we could get on as we needed to get the bus in order not to be late.

The bus driver was having none of it. In fact he started shouting at me about the fact I wasn't at the bus stop etc etc. During this time the traffic lights had gone to green...

So we were about to give up...when in front of the bus there was a learner and the driving instructor was motioning for us to run to the next bus stop as he kept "stalling" the car. He must have kept stalling it through the next green light as well as we made it to the stop with time to spare!

Oh how I love that driving instructor. Seriously. So cool. 

In other news I'm going to Buckingham Palace tonight. Oh yea. More to follow.

The Big Silence part 2

So originally I was expecting The Big Silence to be a 2 part post but having spent some time thinking/trying I now realise its going to be a bit longer.

Basically I have been trying to incorporate times of silence into my day and so far it is REALLY HARD! Seriously. The thing is I have times of silence which I don't even recognise and so am not necessarily utilising them to their full potential. But the times when I try to have times of reflection or just quiet I really struggle. 

I am so used to multi-tasking and having loads to do that to stop is almost a bit foreign to me. When I stop it feels unnatural and like I should be doing other things. I end up thinking about all the things I could be doing. 

It amazes me that Jesus was so able to just retreat because he needed to. He knew he needed to spend time with God - that he couldn't do things without him. I want to have that kind of heart. I want to know more of God's voice and so even though this is really hard and I am not having any immediate success I am going to keep going.

One amazing thing is that my boss told us all that he wants us to take a work day to retreat a couple times a year. I can't believe how lucky I am to work somewhere that gives me those kind of opportunities. This is a pic of my crazy colleagues - love them!

Ha.

This is just a tribute blog post to say that yesterday evening I had Jo, Lydia and Sarah over for dinner and I laughed until I was almost choking. It was painful but totally joyful at the same time. I LOVED it!

Here they are pictorally

And here is our evening pictorally...

Enough said. Just remembering makes me chuckle...

The Big Silence PART 1

By request I am going to blog about this now and again a bit later on...you'll understand why by the end of the post.

Recently I was talking about how I struggle with silence. A friend of mine (Richard) from my Church Small Group recommended that I watch a series that was filmed on the BBC a few years ago. It's called The Big Silence and its a documentary on how 5 people react/adapt to including regular periods of silence throughout their day.

The Priest who was running the project was aiming for the candidates to be able to include a time of silence in their everyday lives (even in the busyness). The documentary follows the candidates at an initial silent weekend retreat to a monastery and then onto an 8 day silent retreat and beyond. 

What I found interesting watching it was initially all of the candidates really struggled keeping the silence - all of them wanted the interaction, craved it almost. Like they all were behaving like they were coming off of drugs or something, moody, restless etc. Initially they found it hard to focus or meditate on one thing. But by the end of the 8 day retreat all of them had had some kind of profound experience with God and seemed to be ok with the silence.

I didn't mention, apart from one, all the others were non-Christians when they started the project. How crazy is it that after 8 days of no real other distractions, all of them met with God in some way?! What's more crazy is that only one actually started going to Church as a result of the experience she had. All of them struggled to include some silence in their lives afterwards - even after having this immense experience.

For me this highlights 2 things:

• Silence is probably something I should try to do more - there are clear benefits that the series goes into including health, deeper understanding of ourselves etc
• I am not the only one who struggles with it. Many people lead busy lifestyles and so find it difficult to adapt to have times of reflection and quiet. 

So I am in the process of trying to have a period of silence - where I'm not actively DOING anything - every day. So far it's not going well. But I want to get past the fear or anxiety that being silent and doing nothing is a pointless waste of time and actually meet with God.

So watch this space for part 2.......

How to throw a fun party??

Tomorrow Beth and I are hosting a "House-Warming Party" (where did the term "House-Warming" come from?!)

Does anyone else ever get that "I'm hosting a party and I want it to go really well but what happens if it's a disaster" feeling? Like half really excited, but half terrified...

Well I reckon I am in that place. So far I feel pretty prepared though. I've:

• Cleaned bathroom
• Swept floors
• Hoovered everywhere
• Dusted
• Stocked up on loo roll
• Bought wine and crackers

I'm thinking I should potentially make a party play list...any suggestions of what it should include?

Is there anything glaringly obvious (or not obvious) that I have forgotten to do?

Dependence

Recently I've recognised more and more the dependence I have on people. I get my worth from people. If I don't feel like I matter to people then I feel lonely and worthless. 

Now I am realising quite how big a grip this has on me because I am having a couple of days off and have tried to cut down on texting people just to see the effect it has on me. And you know what, I feel crap. I feel like no one cares about me and that I am alone.

That is what I feel.

What I KNOW is that I have a God who cares for me intimately and who loves me better than anyone else ever can or does. While I might feel like I need people (I am a huge extrovert after all), actually God says that he is sufficient. Yes it is not a natural, default position for my head to get around...I want people to show me that I'm loved...but ultimately God has already shown me how much he loves me. He's shown it by sending Jesus to die for me so I can have a relationship with God. He shows me every day how much he loves me by providing for me, by keeping me breathing.

I am so thankful that God does provide me with friends, that actually even when I feel lonely I know that I have a circle of friends who I can call out to to be there for me. But even more than that I love that God is enough. No matter how good a group of friends you have, sometimes they will let you down - God doesn't. He literally is the ultimate friend/parent/King. Supreme.

Dependence on him is something I want to learn more.