In too deep

The title of this post reminded me of this song from my teenage years -

Ha! That takes me back.

However, I didn't post just to talk about Sum 41. In fact I am feeling myself like I am in a little too deep. 

Some of you may know that I enjoy public speaking; I relish in opportunities to learn new things, research, study and know enough about something to be able to speak about it. My job doesn't give me huge amounts of opportunities to do this and so when I was asked if I would speak at Spring Harvest to 400 11-14's I figured "sure, that will be something great to work towards". Then when they asked if I'd consider doing a couple seminars I figured pretty much the same thing. 

Then when another youth organisation asked if I would speak at their youth event a couple days before Spring Harvest I thought, "that will be quite a lot, but it's only a short talk, it will be fine". 

And then I realised that I have to complete and hand in my 3 year strategy for XLP youth work in Lewisham by the end of this week too. 

I also realised that this week I am down 2 members of my team as they have annual leave to take so I am more limited in taking time off projects to write/muse. 

So to recap - LOTS going on + limited time = potential panic.

Thoughts: I can't do this, I've over promised and now I'm going to under deliver. I'm going to end up doing them all badly and never be asked to speak at anything again ever. I am useless and a failure

Truth: I am capable. I am going to have to pull some late nights but I can do this. God thinks I am valuable - Luke 12:6-7 

I think trying to snap out of a meltdown on my own is really hard, as there can be a vicious cycle of: try, get tired, fail, feel guilty - but God's truth is that however I may feel about myself, he values me enough to know the hairs on my head and he believes in me. And breathe.

However, to try and learn from this - I would like some advice on how do you know when to say no?

Maybe

Maybe I understand,
Maybe I don't.

Maybe this feeling will pass,
Maybe it won't.

Maybe, if circumstances had been different, I wouldn't have broken your heart,
Maybe it was inevitable right from the start.
Maybe, if I had been wiser, it wouldn't have gone so far,
Maybe I regret nothing, because we were beautiful, it's worth the scars.

Maybe feeling completely torn is all part of the process,
Maybe we need to establish a line to make any progress.
Maybe feeling distant is now the new normal,
Maybe it will always feel weird to try and be formal.

Maybe the reminders will come less often,
Maybe the rawness will begin to soften.
Maybe you'll learn to trust me once more,
Maybe we're not beyond our God to restore.

Maybe if you told me what you were thinking I wouldn't feel so sad.
Maybe if there was less ambiguity we would both know where we stand.

Maybe my heart will never mend,

Maybe we'll get to a place where we can be friends.

Maybe the questions I have will never be answered,
Maybe one day I'll look back and understand.

Maybe.