Florence

I know that I haven't blogged in ages. The summer was a bit of a weird one for me and I felt a bit all over the place. 

But recently I've been doing a few things that have brought me lots of life. The main one being going to see Florence and the Machine with my friend Luffy at Allypally!

If you have never heard of Florence and the Machine (shame on you) I am almost convinced you will have heard some of her music. She is a bit like marmite, people either love her or hate her. I am definitely in the love category. 

Today I am going to give you my top #3 of her songs for you to enjoy. 

At number #3 is probably the most famous of her songs 

 

You Got The Love

Number #2 for me is

Spectrum

Number #1 my absolute fave at the moment is....

Make up your mind

Now all of these are subject to change and I think there is one from each of her 3 albums there - basically I cannot commend her highly enough to you. Seeing her live was incredible!! Florence has this insane energy, she was on stage for 2 hours leaping across the stage and singing her heart out. 

People might say that spending money on tickets to see people perform or play sport is a waste - but I think experiences like this make us enjoy life more. It was a quality night with a great friend. 

Lewisham.

This last week has been difficult to say the least. 

Life as a youth worker in London is a colourful mixture of joyful break-throughs and devastating set backs. 

In the last week in Lewisham alone I've had interactions with the Police, weapons found in the possession of young people I work with, a boy I work with got stabbed on the way to school (not fatal thankfully) and there was another stabbing in the middle of the day today.

It is so rubbish.

The last few years I have been incredibly blessed with limited violence in the borough. Violent acts have mainly happened with adults rather than young people. Now there seems to be a shift. It's not just in Lewisham either. There have been a number of violent incidents across London with stabbings in Islington and Greenwich in the last couple of weeks too. 

It feels like attack. 

I don't know how else to describe it. I can't understand the reasoning behind such senseless acts. It feels like there is another power at work. I'm not someone who normally jumps to over-spiritualise situations; however, at the moment I feel like there is a greater force at work than just people making stupid decisions.

Maybe that sounds weird. Maybe I'm wrong. 

But I would really encourage anyone who prays to pray for peace in this city. To pray for young people to not get caught up in retaliation. 

At the moment it's all I think will help.

Few things beat life in the sun

If you didn't already know, I am a sun lover. Whilst generally I am not blessed in going super brown (as my mum and brothers are), I enjoy the way my freckles make a seasonal appearance and my cheeks go pink as I greedily absorb as much vitamin D as humanly possible. 

I have no doubt that I have a form of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) as my spirits can be hugely impacted depending on whether the sun is out or the rain is pouring. So it is with great delight that I write, whilst we are officially still in Spring, to the benefits of sunshine in my life.

In the past month I have been able to:

• Visit Wales 

• Go to the BAFTAs
  
• Go to weddings

• Enjoy being in countryside

• Go see an incredible band (Needtobreathe) and be really near the front!

All of this has been good for the soul in terms of enjoying creation, being sociable, escaping the bustle of London and general adventuring. 

However, I've also undertaken a different kind of adventure too. In April I started speaking to a counsellor. I was finding that it was getting increasingly difficult to move forward when I was clearly carrying baggage from the past. This is an ongoing journey. Quite a few people have asked me how it's going and while I would say that I'm definitely not enjoying it, I am finding it helpful. It's amazing how giving yourself some space and freedom to actually articulate thoughts and emotions can help you to see things for what they really are. Also it's crazy (and a bit frustrating) how having your own thoughts spoken back to you by someone else can completely change your perspective or induce some kind of light-bulb moment. If you are on the fence about speaking to someone I would definitely say go and give it a try. 

I really do feel like I'm in a new season of life and that it's being defined by taking action. For instance - 

• Speaking to a counsellor - I've been thinking about this for about 3 years...easy to put off!
• Applying to be on the Island - QUALITY TV show, everyone go watch on catch up if you haven't seen it.
• Undertaking the massive challenge of cycling 100km in 1 night for the charity I am a trustee of (www.kisumuchildren,org.uk). If you can please do consider sponsoring me, even a few quid goes a long way in terms of motivation for me to keep going. 
• Taking opportunities to be kind. I saw a quote recently that said, "You will never regret being kind" I think a lot of the time I can become a bit self obsessed, getting on with my own agenda - but we are all called to be people who look out for opportunities to love others. 
• Reading a book that is reminding me who to listen to and how to live life fully and with purpose 

Too often I am sucked into believing that everyone is sorted and I'm the messed up one. It's a lie and slowly I am coming to see that. In the meantime I am enjoying life in the sun and all the joy that brings.  

 

L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N

Life goes on. If you are a fan of Noah and the Whale (they're a band) then you'll know that they sing a song of this title. While I haven't blogged in a while my life has done just that - stuff has happened.

Since January a lot has happened:

• I've moved house

• Been on a work retreat

• Celebrated my birthday 
• Hosted my 4th Arts Showcase
• Finished building my bike* 

* Massive respect and thanks has to go to Bec Lemen-Hogarth for actually building it for me

• Met the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge (Will and Kate)

• Led Spring Harvest 11-14's

• Ate 17 different cuts of meat in 1 night
• Hit the beach

• Had my room re-modelled/designed

 

• Learnt how to play Settlers of Catan

We're now near the end of April and I'm wondering why I haven't blogged until now. I guess sometimes I have felt like I have a lot of stuff in my head but it's hard to know how to articulate thoughts. Then loads of things happened in quite quick succession which meant I didn't really have a chance to process anything properly and so didn't know what to say. 

Loads of people have asked my about the Royal visit and whether I got to speak to the Duke and Duchess - well yes I did. I got to introduce them to residents and young people on one of the estates I work on and then facilitate a discussion where they were able to articulate what they feel about their community and the work XLP does there. Will and Kate are actually really great listeners and asked some solid questions and made insightful comments; that's not just me saying that, they genuinely were brilliant guests to have. 

Now the sun is coming back out I almost feel like my head is coming out of hibernation. I am having loads of thoughts about how time keeps going by and if you don't make choices to do the things you want to do then you will never do them. Post uni I feel like the years have all blurred into one and I don't want to get a few years down the line and still be in the same place. 

I read a quote which said "a year from now you will wish you started today" - I love that. It motivates me to take action where I can now. 

So in practise that looks like:

• having a better work/life balance
• setting physical goals (like cycling 100km through the night in June)
• planning holidays
• making time for myself

that's where I've got to so far. I'm sure there are plenty more to be added. Feel free to let me know ideas or things that work for you.

Say wha?!

In true Naomi fashion I have once again delayed a blog post in January. Think it's happened every year I've written this blog! I always feel like the first post of the year has to be something particularly profound and then feel like I don't have anything massive to say...so then say nothing. 

Recently, however, I have had many things I could write about. I mean lots has happened, lots of thoughts have shifted, I've read loads of things, been encouraged/inspired, had opportunities etc. But then that pushed me to the other extreme of having too much to say and not knowing what to focus on. What should I say??!

So I felt like I had better crack on and just write something.  

Naomi's Dec/Jan in an overview.

December: 

• Had some excellent youth work sessions doing fun things - outdoor laser tag, bowling, chinese buffet
• Decided to move out of Braidwood Road
• Enjoyed some quality family time over Christmas and actually just stopped for a while
• Had opportunities to catch up with a number of people in the run up to and over NYE

January:

• Started by making some new friends
• Found a new house
• Temporarily living with a family who have 2 little girls - means I have had a Personal Trainer for the trampoline and a Hair Stylist.
• Spoke in Belmarsh Prison
• Sorting things for Spring Harvest 11-14's in Easter
• Trying to make life more sustainable

So there's some general info.  

More specifically I think that God has been talking to me a lot about life and how to stay connected. He's been challenging me on my attitudes and thoughts. Like yesterday I was driving home from Church (of all places) and I got through some traffic lights just as they were changing. I was thinking "wooo go me" until I saw that the car behind me had whizzed through too - totally running the red light. So then I turned it into a little race between me and that car, making sure I wasn't breaking the speed limit, but driving "defensively". Then when that car got caught at another set of traffic lights and I got through I broke out into this crazy laugh - imagine evil villain in a film and that was pretty much what my laugh was like...and then I realised what I was doing and was like "how are you so weird?!" 

In January we generally use the time at the start of the month for reflection on what we want the year to look like, what we want to change and what we want to achieve. I totally did that! I was thinking about the type of person I want to be, the boxes I want to be able to tick...and then I really just felt like I needed to chill out. 

I don't know if you ever do this thing where you set really ridiculously high expectations for yourself and then get really annoyed/down when you don't reach them or when life doesn't turn out how you expected? I feel like I have a lot of lessons to learn from 2014 about myself and about God. 

I think in the past I have put a lot of pressure on myself to try and be this super-giving, super- serving, super Christian person. Generally the motives have been right - I do want to help people, I want to love people the way God does and I want to be able to bring truth and life to people. However, behind all of this trying I was getting bitter about how even though I was giving everything life wasn't turning out how I was planning. I was getting more and more drained trying to give and serve and love thinking that that was the good Christian thing to do...but slowly realising that God hadn't asked me to do half the things I was doing. 

You probably know if you read this often that I love the Christian Pastor/Author called John Ortberg - and recently my pastor lent me a series of talks that Ortberg had recorded on "Restoring Weary Souls". More and more I think I'm being reminded to be a Mary instead of a Martha. I've always lived my life with lots of action, not necessarily knowing how to just "be". But I guess that is my aim for this year - I don't want to pile on loads of pressure but I think maybe if I can just "be" with God then he will show me what I need to do. 

Practically I've tried to work out how I connect with God more and I don't think I'd realised how much I love being outside and reading. I've always known that I love being with people which is still true, but trying to push into some of these other ways of "being" is just an experiment really. 

Any thoughts, suggestions, ideas from those of you who are well practised in "being" are welcome 

(photo courtesy of Nom and Malc Photography)

More Heart Less Attack

If you follow my movements on facebook (which I know you all do) then you will know that I recently had a little jaunt to Iceland. It was a holiday to make up from my disastrous summer trip to Tenerife. And it was EPIC!

I had such a good time being chilled and just exploring another place. Here are a few pics:

Iceland is known as the land of Fire and Ice because of all the volcanoes and glaciers that they have. And I guess that in itself gave me a lot to think about. If someone is known as fiery or icy than those aren't necessarily positive descriptions. Yet Iceland is beautiful! (As hopefully you can see in the photos) It got me thinking about how even in our flaws there can be beauty. 

Iceland is pretty crazy place to live, there are live volcanoes, earthquakes, and I experienced a hurricane whilst I was there. Yet in the midst of what might have been an inhabitable land, there are places that make you stop and just breathe a bit deeper hoping that something of the rugged beauty will seep into you so that you will remember it accurately. These are times when a camera just can't capture the mix of views and feelings that they evoke. 

With regards to us, we can often be people who are unstable - like volcanoes we can lose it, like earthquakes we can have melt downs. Yet God sees us as beautiful. In spite of the risks, God still chooses us. He loves continually. He sees beyond the dangers and into what could be. The person I could be. 

That last photo is one I took just opposite the Cathedral; I spotted this little embroidered square tied to a lamp post. It's so true - more love would be better! 

On Tuesday we flew home and I went to a gig by a band called NEEDTOBREATHE 

They played a song which has been on my mind ever since. Surprise - it's called More Heart Less Attack. It's all about trying to be people who love better and attack less. You see I feel like all of this links together. I am an unstable person, we all are. We over-think, blow things out of proportion, take things personally, get defensive; yet God calls us to be people of more love. He sees the people we could be, the world this could be and says love more. Because more love would be better. 

 Have a listen.

Blurred Vision

It could just be me, but over the last few months I have felt like I have a hundred pairs of lenses over my eyes - making life look very blurry.

Do you ever get it when you just feel like you can't see anything clearly? Like everything is an effort to think about and life just seems a bit overwhelming? I have very much felt over the last few months that my brain is full. Yes my life is full of activity, but I think my capacity to give has been clearly failing. I love to give! I love to serve. 

So why has it been so hard? 

Over the last few months I have spent quite a lot of time being introspective - definitely a new experience for me - and I've just been trying to be honest with myself about why I do what I do. I don't know if you've ever heard of this thing called "cognitive dissonance?" It's basically where we can convince ourselves that we are in the right when very clearly we are not; we all have this ability to lie to ourselves. We do it for a number of reasons; a lot of the time we want to think the best of ourselves - that we are people of high moral character. Or we don't want to face the consequences of what happens when we get it wrong. We lie to ourselves and we believe the lies. 

Now for me, for some reason I have found myself in a place where I'm recognising my own fallibility and limited capacity. For the first time I'm admitting that I can't do it all, and that that is ok. If I'm honest I have felt sadder in the last few months than ever before. Having your eyes opened to see that you are not all that is painful! 

And yet. 

I have known a deeper intimacy with God which has been something I have craved. For a long time I have wanted the joy of knowing God closer, but without admitting my own limitations and failings. I have wanted to keep believing that I am part superhero and so don't really need God, but then have the kind of relationship which requires me to desperately need God. 

Just a heads up - that doesn't work. 

God has taken me on a journey and throughout it I have really been reminded of this verse:

"Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand." Isaiah 64:8

Being molded into someone that reflects God's glory is pretty painful. But if I'm honest, I don't want a mediocre life. I don't want to go through life being complacent or afraid to go through these experiences.

I started this blog way back because I wanted to be someone who celebrated adventure in the big and small things of life and even when it's difficult I want to be that person. 

I feel like slowly I am getting rid of blurry lenses and things are becoming clearer. If I want to be an authentic person who is fully known, then I need to be able to know and be honest with myself and with God - I'm realising the purpose of reality checks, the benefits of honesty and the gentle nature of God. 

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 1 Corinthians 13:12

Love and other stuff

For those of you who read my blog consistently you will know that I am sometimes fairly sporadic in my blog post publishing. In the past this has been to do with being horrendously busy and not having time to process thoughts, but recently that has not been the case at all. 

If anything over the last few weeks I have probably had more time and opportunity to think deeply than I have in a long time. It has been wonderful! There are a number of reasons for this:

• At work I have been told that we are aiming to "ruthlessly eliminate the hurry from our lives" - this has been taken from a book that we are reading called "Soul Keeping" by John Ortberg. I would seriously recommend this book - I am being made to only read a chapter a week and it is incredible how much more I am taking in. 
• I have had to cut down how much I am working. For a while I have been working more than I should have been in terms of my contract, but this year I've been told to sort it out and bring it down to what it should be. It's pretty crazy how just doing that has freed up A LOT of time.
• I have spoken to a number of wise people who have really helped to balance my thoughts and have asked the right questions.
• For a long time I haven't valued time by myself, but I seem to be in a new season where I am becoming more ok with not being with people 24/7. Means a lot more thinking happens. 

So one of the reasons I haven't blogged in a while is that I have been thinking a lot and not sure if my thinking is fully thought out enough to put something down in words. I'm very much still in that place but I figured I'd catch you guys up a bit so you know where my heads been. 

I've been asking the question:

How far should you love someone?

I guess I have always been quite a people person and as such have made a number of friends. As is inevitable some have hurt me. Now my natural response is to want to tell them to piss off, retreat, build a wall and keep myself safe. But as a Christian that doesn't sit well with me. I mean you don't see Jesus blanking Peter after the denial do you. 

But on the flip side I am also reticent to put myself out there to be hurt over and over - how far is too far? As a Christian is there ever a too far?

I have had a number of conversations with people about this and would appreciate further input because I don't have any answers yet. I am inclined to think that there must be a middle ground to retreating or being hurt repeatedly. But trying to work out what that is and what it looks like is taking a while and I think I'm on a journey of self discovery as I'm working it out. 

I've been recommended a couple of books to read so as and when I learn something or make any progress on knowing any answers I'll be back.

In the mean time I'm enjoying taking life at a slightly slower pace - it's good for the soul. 

Weird Taste

Today I went back to work. Mentally I felt like I had been away a lot longer than two and half weeks! Which I guess is a good thing as I genuinely hadn't really thought about work until Monday when I realised that the return was creeping up on me. 

My annual leave had a bit of a weird taste to it this year. 

I probably was the saddest I have been in a long time, but then also had some of the most meaningful moments I've had in a long time too. 

My Grandad died on Wednesday 20th August. I was on holiday by myself at the time and to be honest the news came as a shock. Generally you never think that the last time you see someone is going to be the last time. I had known for a long time that my Grandad wasn't very well but I hadn't necessarily known how serious it was or how quickly he would deteriorate. Having had time to reflect it probably was for the best, he was sick, wasn't getting any better and was becoming more and more of a drain and burden for my Nanna. However, when grieving those kind of facts don't really matter. It doesn't stop the realisation that they won't be available for a quick coffee or to tell you stories about the war. 

In addition to this sad news I got very ill. I don't really know how to describe what I had because I was a bit of a medical mystery - no one knew what was wrong. But essentially my skin blistered and rolled away leaving bare flesh - so my face, neck, arms and torso were incredibly sore. Being ill and sad on your own in another country is possibly the worst thing ever. I strongly do not recommend it!

(not the most flattering photo that's ever been taken of me)

So that part of my annual leave wasn't particularly restful; however, on returning to the UK not only did I get to spend some quality time with my family, but I also had some time to just chill knowing that I was on the mend. It meant that I got to catch up with some very caring friends who came to visit me and was able to spend time not feeling stressed. 

I went back to work today and to be honest I was ready to. I love having time off but there is something particularly comforting about having a structure and being able to operate within that frame. I've blogged before about how I struggle when I'm not in control and obviously people dying and getting sick sometimes just isn't within the sphere I have influence over. I feel like coming back to work has given me a chance to take a breath and remind myself that things are ok. 

Because I am actually really excited about this coming year. I am getting a new team, I have new ideas and am wanting to impart some fresh wisdom. It's easy to spend time wallowing but to be honest life is just too short and I want to make the most of the time I have coming up, rather than moping. 

This sunset is a picture I took whilst on holiday - I love sunsets, I feel like they both inspire me with the fact that today has been beautiful but also excite me with the fact that tomorrow will be good too. 

Tenerife: a poem

Looming mountains
Sandy beaches
Rocky beaches
Blue day skies
Blue, starry night skies
Skulking cats
Sweet, melting ice cream
Visiting Church
Lazy movements 
Exploring
Hunting bus stops
Attempting Spanish
Incredible scenery 
Sandy body
Sangria
Whirring fan
Isolation
Sleeping naked
Morning dawn calls
Inexpressible grief
Silent tears
Books
Paranoia
Strong black coffee
Sunglasses 
Body blister sores
Pain
Foreign clinic
Self conscious 
New eyes

I haven't written poetry since school so don't judge this attempt. I don't think I can write in prose about my recent holiday yet but I wanted to express something of it. This hopefully gives you an idea.

Hurt - a learning curve

So the general theme of the last few posts I have written have been about me dealing with the shifting of seasons, change, loneliness, and feeling sad. It's been kind of weird to deal with those emotions in a relatively public way through this blog and through speaking with people, but I've felt like speaking and being open has helped overall.

I'm an extremely external processor - I generally need to talk things through to work out what I'm thinking. Part of my issue recently has been that the normal people I would do that with haven't been as available. This has been good and challenging. Good in that I've been able to develop friendships with some new people, challenging in that I've struggled to communicate with those whose actions have impacted me.

Something I've been thinking about for a while now following some conversations is how when you are hurt you are more likely to hurt others. You see I wrote those posts from my own stand point, articulating my own emotions, thinking about how hurt and sad I was. I didn't think through how my words could possibly hurt others. It wasn't even on my radar. Like I genuinely was so obsessed with my own feelings that I just splurged them all out without thinking of those who would read/hear them. 

In doing this, I hurt people. People who love me and who have been totally brilliant at loving me and being my friends. You see my intention never was to aim my posts at people and say "you're doing a crap job", it was much more to say "lots of things are going on and I feel rubbish". But that's the thing, I know my head, other people don't. 

Out of my hurt I didn't think through my actions. I hurt people.

Friends of mine took some of my words to heart that they weren't doing enough to be good friends to me. Yes I could dismiss this and say "you misunderstood, that wasn't what I was saying". But I think there are lessons to learn here. 

When I was in that place of being all sad and feeling sorry for myself, I was only thinking about myself. I was selfish and distracted from loving others. Yes I was dealing with my own emotions and that is important. But it came at a price. You see I think it is crucial to understand yourself and know where you are at as much as possible, but I also think we are called to love God and love people. 

It has made me realise some of the perils of using a blog to process emotion - in conversation you can explain exactly what you are thinking and how you mean something, in written form that isn't completely possible - there is room for interpretation, which means sometimes people can be hurt by my words. 

But most of all it's made me realise how being hurt isn't an excuse to be self indulgent. In my hurt I'm still called to love people well and be someone that brings life and truth - not someone who makes people doubt themselves. 

Learning curve. 

Taking Control

So over the last few weeks I have been feeling a bit like:

"Argh I am just coasting through life, am I wasting my time?!"

"Should I be doing something different because this is not what I imagined I would be doing?"

"How am I already 26 and I still don't know what God wants to use me for?"

So I decided that I would make a few little changes to feel like I am more in control of what is going on. The biggest one being that I shaved the back of my head...

I have been wanting to do something a little crazy for a while. My thinking was either, tattoo (which lasts forever), facial piercings (which can scar/get infected) or something hair related. 

Originally I was thinking something like this:

However, I spoke to a lot of people and the consensus was that I probably couldn't pull it off. Plus it would take A LOT of maintenance and work in the mornings. 

So I decided to go with something that essentially is SUPER safe and yet quite a big thing. I mean I have shaved the back of my head! It feels amazing. Like I spend a lot of time stroking my head. And in this heat it is wonderful to have a breeze on the back of your head. 

The benefits are that from the front and when my hair is down you can't tell anything! So if I have any official engagements I can look vaguely respectable. 

The down sides are that not everyone likes it - my brother's comment was "Nai that looks horrible!" Ha - innocent, harsh truth. 

But to be honest I think part of this is me getting over what people think. Too much I have not done things because I'm worried about what people will think of me. If I'm going to make the most of this life I need to get over that.

I love this quote from George Eliot - it encourages me to not give up already.

Taking control a little bit at a time.

Unfailing

The last few posts I have written have been pretty depressing and just re-reading them now you would be forgiven for thinking that I was wallowing in a pit of despair. However, I'm not! My mum asked me why I put my thoughts/feelings out here for the world to read, she was worrying that I was exposing too much of myself. I guess to some extent I am exposing myself - I am saying what's really going on. But I do that because I don't want people to have some unrealistic expectation of who I actually am. I'm not someone who has everything worked out and who is able to be happy all the time. I'm someone who is just trying to work out what I was created to do/be. I guess I am trying to show that if you are feeling down sometimes, you aren't on your own.

Saying that, these last few weeks I have been feeling a whole lot better. Having a bit more of a work life balance is helping. Seeing people who are good for me is definitely helping and knowing myself and how I tick is opening my eyes as to why I think the way I do. 

I have been reading the book of Proverbs in the Bible and was struck by part of a verse:

My translation reads: "What a person desires is unfailing love..." and it struck me because it is so true. One of the reasons I was getting frustrated is because I want people who put me first, who don't cancel on me, who ring me up and meet up for dinner with me. I want people who speak good things to me and about me. 

Whilst I do know a number of people who do a pretty good job of loving me - upon reflection I was just really aware of how, as people, our love does fail. We desire unfailing love but we are unable to give it. I cannot be 100% unselfish 100% of the time. I mess up. I say and do things that I don't mean and later regret. I don't think of others all the time. Even when I'm really trying I don't get it right. 

But I guess it made me all the more aware of how our desire for unfailing love is met in Jesus. His love for us truly does not fail. Like even when we feel at our lowest or farthest, his love is still readily there. I desire to be loved unconditionally and God does that. I love the verse in Romans where it says "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). God didn't wait for me to love him before he loved me - God has always and will always love me. His love is unfailing. 

Most of the time I cannot get my head around that. I base my understanding on what I know of the world, and lets me honest if you annoy someone and don't listen to them there is a limit to how much love they will have for you. But God isn't like anything I know. A lot of the time I feel totally unworthy that God would love me - despite knowing all of the stuff I have done and continue to do, he still loves me. But the fact that he does means that I can trust him. And that helps a lot when I feel alone. I desire unfailing love, and I have a God who is able to satisfy that desire.

Moving forward...very slowly

Just want to say thanks to people who got in touch after the last post - really felt the love and it helped in not feeling so alone, knowing that other people get it. 

Since that post a number of things have happened:

• I've had quite a few conversations with people about how I've been feeling. This has helped quite a bit as I am an external processor and part of the issue was that I was struggling to find people to talk to who would help me work out what I was thinking.
• I've had some time to think. Admittedly not loads, but I've been able to think and think a bit more rationally. I am someone who generally over thinks and has an overactive imagination, so I think through a lot of "what-ifs" even though in reality some of them are ridiculous.
• I've had some people be brutally honest (in love) with me about how I cannot be as selfish as I currently am. Other people's lives do not revolve around me. Obviously I wish they did - if I'm honest I wish that people did take my feelings into account before making decisions and life choices. But that is unrealistic and unreasonable to expect. 
• I've been able to connect with people who are in similar places in life and chat through the fear element of being left behind.

Coming out of all that I've had some thoughts about how I want to move forward. This isn't at all to say I've got it nailed down, and even this evening I've had a little cry because of feeling excluded, but I do not want to stay in this sad, lonely, unsure place. It sucks and it steals all of my joy and I don't like it. Here are some ideas:

1. Remembering what it is that God has said a) about me, and b) to me. God doesn't think I'm a loser, or that there is stuff wrong with me. He says I am wonderfully made and precious to him. He has also said he has a plan for my life, and while I really wish I knew what that was, I can trust that he knows and he knows best.
2. Remembering that people value me for me. I don't have to keep up and do what everyone else is doing. Hopefully my friends like me for who I am - no matter what stage of life I'm in.
3. Things change. They just do. And yea it sucks. I have always struggle with the idea of change because I have had issues making real friends. All through growing up and into adulthood I have had a lot of people I would consider to be friends, but barely any who I actually consider to be close and who I can be totally honest with. So it sucks when those few then aren't as available as before. It does make me feel replaced and like I don't matter. But people don't have to base their lives on my feelings. I know that this is a season and that I will make new friends and get close to other people. Does it make this season any easier, no. Does it give me hope that I won't feel like this forever, yes.
4. Talking is better than not talking. I think part of me is programmed to not want to look like I struggle. I'm a manager, a youth worker, an independent woman, and a lot of the time I want to look like I've got it together. I don't want to be vulnerable with people because it's risky. What happens if they don't get it? But the more I talk the more I realise other people have been there and can help. Other people are sometimes in it and are looking for people to help them through. Not talking isolates, whereas talking tends to open things up.
5. Crying isn't bad. I have cried so flipping much these last few weeks. I hate it because it makes me feel out of control. Like I don't have a handle on how people see me. I think I have put a pressure on myself to always be ok. I can have bad days, but I should be fine because that's what people expect. At the moment I am not fine. The tears remind me. And it's ok. Not going to lie I am defo not enjoying this. But actually coming to terms with where I am at is positive and recognising that it's alright to not be ok and need other people is not a weakness. We have been created for community and too often I try to do life as a Lone Ranger. Crying reminds me that it's ok to be in this place.

From reading this I hope you don't think I'm messed up. I blog a lot of the time because I find it helpful to articulate feelings so I can process where I'm at. My hope is that the process resonates with others and helps us all to feel like we're not on our own. 

Coping

I know things have been a bit quiet recently - sorry for that. I haven't intentionally not been writing, it all comes down to me feeling sad and not necessarily knowing how to articulate it. These last few days I've had a bit more space to think - hence this post. 

For the last two weeks I've been feeling pretty overwhelmed and sad. To the point where there has been spontaneous uncontrollable crying, lack of sleep and appetite. Why? Well everything is changing. You might not know but apparently I don't deal with change very well. In fact I hate change. 

I had forgotten about how much I hate change, but today I was reminded of when my best friend Naomi got married. I was a bridesmaid.

I was so incredibly happy for her to get married - she was marrying one of my other best friends so it was a very joyous occasion! But as soon as they had both left the reception I cried SO much. Marriage means change. I do not like change. Change that I am not in control of. 

At the moment a number of things are changing in my life:

• Work - a number of my friends are leaving XLP in July. I am gutted to see them go because they are so quality; but I am more scared about their replacements and what they will be like. With lots of people going it makes me think "should I be going too?" and wondering if I am getting left behind. 
• Friends - a number of my friends are being hit with the summer dating bug and have paired up. Obviously I am really happy for them! But it also changes dynamics and expectations. I really don't want to be the third wheel.
• Babies - I love babies and a number have been born in recent weeks which is ace. But with that also means changes in socialising and relationships. I don't want to invade families.

When I break it down changes make me feel

1. Lonely - because I don't necessarily feel I have people I can just offload to. 
2. Scared - because I don't know what's going to happen next, what happens if there aren't new people to make friends with and then I am just alone?
3. Powerless - I can't control other people, but their actions affect me. 

I really don't deal with change well. 

The thing is a lot of my sadness is irrational. It's not like I'm necessarily losing friends, but relationships change. I'm scared that everyone is sorting out their lives and I am being left behind because that isn't happening for me. I hate feeling lonely. 

In the midst of this God has been talking to me quite a lot. Mainly about how he is the rock, he doesn't change, he is dependable and the same yesterday, today and forever. But also about how the control needs to be his anyway - I find change scary because I don't know what's coming next, but God promises to guide me and lead me in things that are good for me. 

There is hope in the midst of this - I am learning more of God's character and hopefully he is using this situation to mold me and make me more into the person he wants me to be. Someone who trusts in him, someone who turns to him before anyone else, someone who relinquishes control and follows his plan.

"Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand." Isaiah 64:8

Look Up

It's June already, where has this year gone?!

I have just got back from a holiday to Spain. It was pretty epic. Lots of sun, sea, sand and chillaxing. Just what I needed. I went for the week with my parents and youngest brother to an area of Spain called Roda de Bara, about 45 mins South of Barcelona. 

It was a week of rest and quality time. I spent a lot of my time reading, sunbathing and playing table tennis (not all at the same time). 

One of the days we made a visit to Port Aventura. Its a theme park just south of town called Tarragona and it has the highest rollercoaster in all of Europe. Now I wouldn't say I am much of an adrenaline junkie, I like rollercoasters but am not too fussed either way. But there was no way I was going to visit this theme park and not complete that ride. I thought you might want to see what it was like - so here is a little video.

It was terrifying. As I slowly went up all I was thinking was, "why did I get on this? I'm not going to like it. This is not going to be fun". However, in true rollercoaster fashion, it took my breath away. Yes it was terrifying and yes my stomach has probably been left there (along with some brain cells), but it was also incredible! 

The next day we went to Barcelona and one of the places we visited was the Cathedral. It was a huge building and inside there were loads of little side chapels with statues, sculptures or pictures to look at. The building was very grand and there was so much going on at eye level that I almost missed looking up. The ceiling was pretty epic.

 

The photo totally does not do it justice. I love looking at ceilings, because as much as buildings are cool, a good ceiling to me just shows going above and beyond. Also I find it insane how tall buildings are (maybe its because I'm so short?). A couple years ago I went to Rome and saw Michelangelo's work in the Sistine Chapel. Crazy to think he spent four years painting a ceiling! In the same way at this Cathedral I was wondering how long it took to finish the interior. 

It also struck me that so many people might just miss the thing that made me stop and take pictures. There was loads of other things to see and it would be easy to not glance up and miss the intricacy and workmanship above your head. 

Having a holiday also gave me some good thinking time and I was mulling on how in life its easy to just get on with what is in front of you. It's easy to get into routines and make friends and get comfortable. It's pretty easy to do all of that without necessarily looking up and asking God if that's what he wants. You see when I was on that rollercoaster at the start, all I could do was look up. I was facing the sky for what felt like forever. But I couldn't see anything else to distract me from the task in hand. I wasn't concerned with details, I was concerned with the main reason I was there. 

For me, I know I can get so easily side tracked - in conversation, in work, in life. I forget what the main thing is. What am I supposed to be doing? Why am I here? And instead I get bogged down in lots of things that can be and are good, but aren't necessarily what God wants me to focus on. Like I can be enjoying the room, but missing the masterpiece of a ceiling. 

I don't want to do that. I don't want to miss what God is doing, both in me and around me. I think I've been reminded that I only get to live this life once and so I want to make the most of it. I know I am at my best and most fulfilled when I'm in step with what God is doing. So it makes sense to check in, look up and make sure I'm not missing the good stuff.