9 Jun 2013

When it's really hard to start

In life it seems that you fall into one of two categories. You are either a "starter" or a "finisher". 

"Starter's" love new projects. They love thinking big and having the challenge of getting something rolling. They like setting the direction for where things are headed. 

"Finisher's", on the other hand, love completing projects well. They are the people who love ticking everything off the to-do list, who are excited about drawing things to a close and doing that to a high standard. 

I am most definitely a starter. I love new projects, I love the excitement of thinking "this could go anywhere". The downside is I get bored very easily and so it takes a lot of perseverance to keep motivated with ongoing projects. 

However, there is one area of my life where I am not a starter. You know when you're having a conversation and you really want to tell that friend about how you REALLY are...but you don't quite know how to start....just me?

I find it pretty tough talking about when I am not alright. Like I want to be genuine, I want people to see the "real" Naomi, but then it's like...how do I start this? Especially if you're having a conversation that isn't particularly deep and you know that by going down this road it's going to completely change the course of the conversation. What happens if that friend just wants a lighthearted catch up? 

Then you have the thoughts like: "well how are they going to be able to help anyway?" 
"I am supposed to be the alright one, I cannot show weakness."
"They are going to get bored if I keep talking about me"
"What happens if they think I'm a total nut job because of what I share?"

And even when people give me an in - they ask "how are things going?" (or something similar), even still I find it difficult to start down the road of self exposure. 

The thing is, when I do start, normally it's totally fine and really good to share with someone and to be able to know that that person is still your mate at the end of it. Yet despite knowing this I still struggle to begin talking about the reality of what is going on in my head. 

Vulnerability is hard, how vulnerable is too vulnerable? Where is the line between what is acceptable to share and what isn't?

I think I'm comforted by the fact that God knows everything - like he knows and understands my thoughts better than I do. He is the rock I can depend on because his love for me doesn't change ever. It doesn't matter what I've done or will do, he loves me the same. Being vulnerable with him is a good starting place. 

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