More Heart Less Attack

If you follow my movements on facebook (which I know you all do) then you will know that I recently had a little jaunt to Iceland. It was a holiday to make up from my disastrous summer trip to Tenerife. And it was EPIC!

I had such a good time being chilled and just exploring another place. Here are a few pics:

Iceland is known as the land of Fire and Ice because of all the volcanoes and glaciers that they have. And I guess that in itself gave me a lot to think about. If someone is known as fiery or icy than those aren't necessarily positive descriptions. Yet Iceland is beautiful! (As hopefully you can see in the photos) It got me thinking about how even in our flaws there can be beauty. 

Iceland is pretty crazy place to live, there are live volcanoes, earthquakes, and I experienced a hurricane whilst I was there. Yet in the midst of what might have been an inhabitable land, there are places that make you stop and just breathe a bit deeper hoping that something of the rugged beauty will seep into you so that you will remember it accurately. These are times when a camera just can't capture the mix of views and feelings that they evoke. 

With regards to us, we can often be people who are unstable - like volcanoes we can lose it, like earthquakes we can have melt downs. Yet God sees us as beautiful. In spite of the risks, God still chooses us. He loves continually. He sees beyond the dangers and into what could be. The person I could be. 

That last photo is one I took just opposite the Cathedral; I spotted this little embroidered square tied to a lamp post. It's so true - more love would be better! 

On Tuesday we flew home and I went to a gig by a band called NEEDTOBREATHE 

They played a song which has been on my mind ever since. Surprise - it's called More Heart Less Attack. It's all about trying to be people who love better and attack less. You see I feel like all of this links together. I am an unstable person, we all are. We over-think, blow things out of proportion, take things personally, get defensive; yet God calls us to be people of more love. He sees the people we could be, the world this could be and says love more. Because more love would be better. 

 Have a listen.

Blurred Vision

It could just be me, but over the last few months I have felt like I have a hundred pairs of lenses over my eyes - making life look very blurry.

Do you ever get it when you just feel like you can't see anything clearly? Like everything is an effort to think about and life just seems a bit overwhelming? I have very much felt over the last few months that my brain is full. Yes my life is full of activity, but I think my capacity to give has been clearly failing. I love to give! I love to serve. 

So why has it been so hard? 

Over the last few months I have spent quite a lot of time being introspective - definitely a new experience for me - and I've just been trying to be honest with myself about why I do what I do. I don't know if you've ever heard of this thing called "cognitive dissonance?" It's basically where we can convince ourselves that we are in the right when very clearly we are not; we all have this ability to lie to ourselves. We do it for a number of reasons; a lot of the time we want to think the best of ourselves - that we are people of high moral character. Or we don't want to face the consequences of what happens when we get it wrong. We lie to ourselves and we believe the lies. 

Now for me, for some reason I have found myself in a place where I'm recognising my own fallibility and limited capacity. For the first time I'm admitting that I can't do it all, and that that is ok. If I'm honest I have felt sadder in the last few months than ever before. Having your eyes opened to see that you are not all that is painful! 

And yet. 

I have known a deeper intimacy with God which has been something I have craved. For a long time I have wanted the joy of knowing God closer, but without admitting my own limitations and failings. I have wanted to keep believing that I am part superhero and so don't really need God, but then have the kind of relationship which requires me to desperately need God. 

Just a heads up - that doesn't work. 

God has taken me on a journey and throughout it I have really been reminded of this verse:

"Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand." Isaiah 64:8

Being molded into someone that reflects God's glory is pretty painful. But if I'm honest, I don't want a mediocre life. I don't want to go through life being complacent or afraid to go through these experiences.

I started this blog way back because I wanted to be someone who celebrated adventure in the big and small things of life and even when it's difficult I want to be that person. 

I feel like slowly I am getting rid of blurry lenses and things are becoming clearer. If I want to be an authentic person who is fully known, then I need to be able to know and be honest with myself and with God - I'm realising the purpose of reality checks, the benefits of honesty and the gentle nature of God. 

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 1 Corinthians 13:12