Hurt - a learning curve

So the general theme of the last few posts I have written have been about me dealing with the shifting of seasons, change, loneliness, and feeling sad. It's been kind of weird to deal with those emotions in a relatively public way through this blog and through speaking with people, but I've felt like speaking and being open has helped overall.

I'm an extremely external processor - I generally need to talk things through to work out what I'm thinking. Part of my issue recently has been that the normal people I would do that with haven't been as available. This has been good and challenging. Good in that I've been able to develop friendships with some new people, challenging in that I've struggled to communicate with those whose actions have impacted me.

Something I've been thinking about for a while now following some conversations is how when you are hurt you are more likely to hurt others. You see I wrote those posts from my own stand point, articulating my own emotions, thinking about how hurt and sad I was. I didn't think through how my words could possibly hurt others. It wasn't even on my radar. Like I genuinely was so obsessed with my own feelings that I just splurged them all out without thinking of those who would read/hear them. 

In doing this, I hurt people. People who love me and who have been totally brilliant at loving me and being my friends. You see my intention never was to aim my posts at people and say "you're doing a crap job", it was much more to say "lots of things are going on and I feel rubbish". But that's the thing, I know my head, other people don't. 

Out of my hurt I didn't think through my actions. I hurt people.

Friends of mine took some of my words to heart that they weren't doing enough to be good friends to me. Yes I could dismiss this and say "you misunderstood, that wasn't what I was saying". But I think there are lessons to learn here. 

When I was in that place of being all sad and feeling sorry for myself, I was only thinking about myself. I was selfish and distracted from loving others. Yes I was dealing with my own emotions and that is important. But it came at a price. You see I think it is crucial to understand yourself and know where you are at as much as possible, but I also think we are called to love God and love people. 

It has made me realise some of the perils of using a blog to process emotion - in conversation you can explain exactly what you are thinking and how you mean something, in written form that isn't completely possible - there is room for interpretation, which means sometimes people can be hurt by my words. 

But most of all it's made me realise how being hurt isn't an excuse to be self indulgent. In my hurt I'm still called to love people well and be someone that brings life and truth - not someone who makes people doubt themselves. 

Learning curve. 

Breaking the Cycle

It's been a while since my last post. There are a number of reasons for that but I guess the biggest one has been, I just don't feel like writing much; and the longer I leave it the less I want to write because I feel like it needs to be WOW.

However, I decided to break the cycle and to just write something. 

I was glancing over the stats for this blog and it seems that every year since it began in 2011 I have struggled to post much in Jan/Feb. I don't know whether its because the start of a new year is busy, or whether I get blue because of the cold/rain/grey, or maybe because I always seem to pick up some lurgy or other at this time of year. But there is clearly a cycle of finding it more difficult to articulate and express myself during these months. 

I find that in periods of pressure/stress I tend to retreat into myself. Being an extrovert that has some interesting results in the long-term. 

• Frustration/lack of patience with people - not being able to have an outlet for myself means I get stressy with other people. It's not generally their fault, I have limited resources with which to deal with others.
• I tend to cry a lot - as this is basically the only outlet I can't stop.
• I over-think EVERYTHING. From whether people really like me, to whether I'm making good choices with my life, to if I can do my job etc etc.
• I get very very tired. Which is probably also why I get sick (I'm in the process of recovering from a cold - very phlegmy)
• I find it difficult to be fully present when I'm with people because I feel like I have to pretend to be ok, when actually I'm not. 

Now over the end of Jan, beginning of Feb I've been in this place and thankfully I can see the light at the end of the tunnel - this week has been SO much better! But when you are in the "I'm sad and I'm not even sure why, but I don't know what to do with the sadness" place, its really hard to know how to re-focus. 

Thankfully I am incredibly blessed to have some SOLID people in my life who are immense at pointing me back to truth and away from any of the lies that I might begin to believe. I've had some amazingly encouraging conversations with people from work, people from Church, people I barely know, people who I have known for ages. 

Each of them has reminded me of my true value. 

Each of them has made me feel accepted and loved.

Each of them has pointed me back to the anchor, the truth, the light - Jesus. 

I've had people come around just to give me a hug. I've had people dropping off cards and baked treats. I've had people pray with me/for me. I've had people let me cry on them. I've had people who have just come over to chill and watch things. 

I think I'm in a better place to be able to think rationally and to say that sometime life seems a bit overwhelming. Sometimes it's really difficult to remember the enormous blessings around you or to reflect on how far God has brought you. I have been SO encouraged by people who have stood with me and allowed me to be sad but have reminded me of reality. Because I love a God who is always with me, who gives value and purpose and who is a rock on which I can stand. 

And so today I am breaking this weird cycle, that I don't even get, of me being sad at this time of year. The light is breaking in.