Hurt - a learning curve

So the general theme of the last few posts I have written have been about me dealing with the shifting of seasons, change, loneliness, and feeling sad. It's been kind of weird to deal with those emotions in a relatively public way through this blog and through speaking with people, but I've felt like speaking and being open has helped overall.

I'm an extremely external processor - I generally need to talk things through to work out what I'm thinking. Part of my issue recently has been that the normal people I would do that with haven't been as available. This has been good and challenging. Good in that I've been able to develop friendships with some new people, challenging in that I've struggled to communicate with those whose actions have impacted me.

Something I've been thinking about for a while now following some conversations is how when you are hurt you are more likely to hurt others. You see I wrote those posts from my own stand point, articulating my own emotions, thinking about how hurt and sad I was. I didn't think through how my words could possibly hurt others. It wasn't even on my radar. Like I genuinely was so obsessed with my own feelings that I just splurged them all out without thinking of those who would read/hear them. 

In doing this, I hurt people. People who love me and who have been totally brilliant at loving me and being my friends. You see my intention never was to aim my posts at people and say "you're doing a crap job", it was much more to say "lots of things are going on and I feel rubbish". But that's the thing, I know my head, other people don't. 

Out of my hurt I didn't think through my actions. I hurt people.

Friends of mine took some of my words to heart that they weren't doing enough to be good friends to me. Yes I could dismiss this and say "you misunderstood, that wasn't what I was saying". But I think there are lessons to learn here. 

When I was in that place of being all sad and feeling sorry for myself, I was only thinking about myself. I was selfish and distracted from loving others. Yes I was dealing with my own emotions and that is important. But it came at a price. You see I think it is crucial to understand yourself and know where you are at as much as possible, but I also think we are called to love God and love people. 

It has made me realise some of the perils of using a blog to process emotion - in conversation you can explain exactly what you are thinking and how you mean something, in written form that isn't completely possible - there is room for interpretation, which means sometimes people can be hurt by my words. 

But most of all it's made me realise how being hurt isn't an excuse to be self indulgent. In my hurt I'm still called to love people well and be someone that brings life and truth - not someone who makes people doubt themselves. 

Learning curve. 

Nothing to give

On Tuesday mornings every week I meet with the team that I manage for XLP. I love this time; as those of you who know me will understand - I am a team player! I love being together and being part of something bigger than myself. I love learning and growing together. This week we spent some time writing letters to God about where we were at/what was on our hearts etc. We then had time to listen to see what God was saying in response. 

So I spent some time writing to God about how sometimes I feel like this - 

But imagine that the weight is life. Sometimes I just feel very weak. Sometimes I feel like I am getting weaker the older I get - especially when I am surrounded by people who have deep needs. I don't always know how to help, how to support, how to be like Jesus, how to encourage. Sometimes I feel like my resources are limited or non-existent. It doesn't take much to deplete my stocks!

Recently I have been really struck by how I want my life to count! I want to be doing what God has created me to do...and not being sure if I am in fact doing that. Sometimes I just feel a bit lost and like I'm drifting through life not necessarily living in the fullness that is mine through Christ. 

Anyway, after attempting to articulate this to God I really felt him direct me to the story of Gideon. For those of you who don't know it, basically Gideon was the runt. 

He was the "least in his family", his family was in the weakest clan and his clan was part of the smallest tribe of God's people, the Israelites. All of the Israelites were being oppressed and so God was looking for someone to raise up to rescue his people. At this point an angel visits Gideon who is hiding in a wine-press. He greets him saying, "The Lord is with you mighty warrior". Obviously Gideon is a bit like "uh what?!"* (*that's a paraphrase - real words here)

But then the angel said, "Go in the strength you have...am I not sending you". 

Now Gideon was runty and weak! If you continue to read the story (which you can here) he is scared and unsure. Not necessarily my top choice of who I would choose to lead God's people. But I really felt like that was what God was saying to me.

"Go in the strength you have, am I not sending you"

So much of the time I can base my life on what I can do. I forget that I serve a God who is MASSIVE! He can do way more. You see Gideon was a nobody and yet God used him to defeat his enemies and establish peace. I serve that same God who can use me when I feel very weak and like I've got nothing to give. 

For me it is a huge encouragement to be directed to this verse. To be reminded that God has just asked me to go as I am, with the skills and gifts I have and to serve him. Not only that, but that he is sending me. This reassures me that:

1. He will equip me with any other skills I might need - he just asks me to be willing to use what I've got
2. He has sent me - therefore when/if I am ever supposed to do something different he will make it clear

So while I might feel weedy like this...

....thankfully, I serve a God who is able to fill in what I lack so that I can be like this!