Unfailing

The last few posts I have written have been pretty depressing and just re-reading them now you would be forgiven for thinking that I was wallowing in a pit of despair. However, I'm not! My mum asked me why I put my thoughts/feelings out here for the world to read, she was worrying that I was exposing too much of myself. I guess to some extent I am exposing myself - I am saying what's really going on. But I do that because I don't want people to have some unrealistic expectation of who I actually am. I'm not someone who has everything worked out and who is able to be happy all the time. I'm someone who is just trying to work out what I was created to do/be. I guess I am trying to show that if you are feeling down sometimes, you aren't on your own.

Saying that, these last few weeks I have been feeling a whole lot better. Having a bit more of a work life balance is helping. Seeing people who are good for me is definitely helping and knowing myself and how I tick is opening my eyes as to why I think the way I do. 

I have been reading the book of Proverbs in the Bible and was struck by part of a verse:

My translation reads: "What a person desires is unfailing love..." and it struck me because it is so true. One of the reasons I was getting frustrated is because I want people who put me first, who don't cancel on me, who ring me up and meet up for dinner with me. I want people who speak good things to me and about me. 

Whilst I do know a number of people who do a pretty good job of loving me - upon reflection I was just really aware of how, as people, our love does fail. We desire unfailing love but we are unable to give it. I cannot be 100% unselfish 100% of the time. I mess up. I say and do things that I don't mean and later regret. I don't think of others all the time. Even when I'm really trying I don't get it right. 

But I guess it made me all the more aware of how our desire for unfailing love is met in Jesus. His love for us truly does not fail. Like even when we feel at our lowest or farthest, his love is still readily there. I desire to be loved unconditionally and God does that. I love the verse in Romans where it says "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). God didn't wait for me to love him before he loved me - God has always and will always love me. His love is unfailing. 

Most of the time I cannot get my head around that. I base my understanding on what I know of the world, and lets me honest if you annoy someone and don't listen to them there is a limit to how much love they will have for you. But God isn't like anything I know. A lot of the time I feel totally unworthy that God would love me - despite knowing all of the stuff I have done and continue to do, he still loves me. But the fact that he does means that I can trust him. And that helps a lot when I feel alone. I desire unfailing love, and I have a God who is able to satisfy that desire.

Breaking the Cycle

It's been a while since my last post. There are a number of reasons for that but I guess the biggest one has been, I just don't feel like writing much; and the longer I leave it the less I want to write because I feel like it needs to be WOW.

However, I decided to break the cycle and to just write something. 

I was glancing over the stats for this blog and it seems that every year since it began in 2011 I have struggled to post much in Jan/Feb. I don't know whether its because the start of a new year is busy, or whether I get blue because of the cold/rain/grey, or maybe because I always seem to pick up some lurgy or other at this time of year. But there is clearly a cycle of finding it more difficult to articulate and express myself during these months. 

I find that in periods of pressure/stress I tend to retreat into myself. Being an extrovert that has some interesting results in the long-term. 

• Frustration/lack of patience with people - not being able to have an outlet for myself means I get stressy with other people. It's not generally their fault, I have limited resources with which to deal with others.
• I tend to cry a lot - as this is basically the only outlet I can't stop.
• I over-think EVERYTHING. From whether people really like me, to whether I'm making good choices with my life, to if I can do my job etc etc.
• I get very very tired. Which is probably also why I get sick (I'm in the process of recovering from a cold - very phlegmy)
• I find it difficult to be fully present when I'm with people because I feel like I have to pretend to be ok, when actually I'm not. 

Now over the end of Jan, beginning of Feb I've been in this place and thankfully I can see the light at the end of the tunnel - this week has been SO much better! But when you are in the "I'm sad and I'm not even sure why, but I don't know what to do with the sadness" place, its really hard to know how to re-focus. 

Thankfully I am incredibly blessed to have some SOLID people in my life who are immense at pointing me back to truth and away from any of the lies that I might begin to believe. I've had some amazingly encouraging conversations with people from work, people from Church, people I barely know, people who I have known for ages. 

Each of them has reminded me of my true value. 

Each of them has made me feel accepted and loved.

Each of them has pointed me back to the anchor, the truth, the light - Jesus. 

I've had people come around just to give me a hug. I've had people dropping off cards and baked treats. I've had people pray with me/for me. I've had people let me cry on them. I've had people who have just come over to chill and watch things. 

I think I'm in a better place to be able to think rationally and to say that sometime life seems a bit overwhelming. Sometimes it's really difficult to remember the enormous blessings around you or to reflect on how far God has brought you. I have been SO encouraged by people who have stood with me and allowed me to be sad but have reminded me of reality. Because I love a God who is always with me, who gives value and purpose and who is a rock on which I can stand. 

And so today I am breaking this weird cycle, that I don't even get, of me being sad at this time of year. The light is breaking in.