Unfailing

The last few posts I have written have been pretty depressing and just re-reading them now you would be forgiven for thinking that I was wallowing in a pit of despair. However, I'm not! My mum asked me why I put my thoughts/feelings out here for the world to read, she was worrying that I was exposing too much of myself. I guess to some extent I am exposing myself - I am saying what's really going on. But I do that because I don't want people to have some unrealistic expectation of who I actually am. I'm not someone who has everything worked out and who is able to be happy all the time. I'm someone who is just trying to work out what I was created to do/be. I guess I am trying to show that if you are feeling down sometimes, you aren't on your own.

Saying that, these last few weeks I have been feeling a whole lot better. Having a bit more of a work life balance is helping. Seeing people who are good for me is definitely helping and knowing myself and how I tick is opening my eyes as to why I think the way I do. 

I have been reading the book of Proverbs in the Bible and was struck by part of a verse:

My translation reads: "What a person desires is unfailing love..." and it struck me because it is so true. One of the reasons I was getting frustrated is because I want people who put me first, who don't cancel on me, who ring me up and meet up for dinner with me. I want people who speak good things to me and about me. 

Whilst I do know a number of people who do a pretty good job of loving me - upon reflection I was just really aware of how, as people, our love does fail. We desire unfailing love but we are unable to give it. I cannot be 100% unselfish 100% of the time. I mess up. I say and do things that I don't mean and later regret. I don't think of others all the time. Even when I'm really trying I don't get it right. 

But I guess it made me all the more aware of how our desire for unfailing love is met in Jesus. His love for us truly does not fail. Like even when we feel at our lowest or farthest, his love is still readily there. I desire to be loved unconditionally and God does that. I love the verse in Romans where it says "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). God didn't wait for me to love him before he loved me - God has always and will always love me. His love is unfailing. 

Most of the time I cannot get my head around that. I base my understanding on what I know of the world, and lets me honest if you annoy someone and don't listen to them there is a limit to how much love they will have for you. But God isn't like anything I know. A lot of the time I feel totally unworthy that God would love me - despite knowing all of the stuff I have done and continue to do, he still loves me. But the fact that he does means that I can trust him. And that helps a lot when I feel alone. I desire unfailing love, and I have a God who is able to satisfy that desire.

Invisible

I don't know if you have ever been tempted to do something a little crazy? Something that maybe you would never normally do, but in extreme circumstances you think "yea ok, why not". 

Well, yesterday I did something a little crazy. 

I have started playing netball on Tuesdays and yesterday by some miracle we won our game against the team that was top of the league - we won with only 6 players (there are 7 players on a team on the court at all times), it literally was insane! I don't think I've ever run as much as I did last night. 

But after that I was supposed to be going for dinner. Now, attractive as I naturally am, I didn't think turning up in pretty minging, sweaty clothes was probably going to do me any favours. I was going directly from the game to the restaurant and so I had limited time/scope to change, but I knew I really should make a bit of an effort. 

So I did something a bit crazy: I changed clothes on the bus. 

Yea, I went upstairs right to the back and changed out of a sweaty tracksuit into some jeans and clean clothes.

Now, this would have been fine; really it would have been fine - it was quite an empty bus. However, two things happened to make this not fine.

1. This bus happened to have a rare ticket inspection half way through my journey. So as I was about to whip my trackies off, an inspector came and checked my ticket. Pretty awkward. However, not as awkward as...
2. The fact I forgot that the back seat on the upper deck has like 2 cameras on it that are displayed as part of a rotation on a TV screen downstairs. So as I descended to alight the bus, I got a few claps...yea. AWKWARD.

I was thinking about this and how sometimes we can do things thinking we won't be seen. Like I would never have done that if I had (thought it through) known that cameras were watching me! But it made me think about the things I do/think when I feel like no one sees. 

Like the times when I secretly judge people on appearance or accent. Or the times when I let my mind wander to sex or lust - things that I know are not healthy for me to think about. 

On Sunday I heard a sermon and something that the speaker said has stayed with me this week. He said "God is our Saviour, but he is also our Judge" - he was saying that in the context of how God has done so much for us, he has chosen us, adopted us, forgiven us, empowered us, released us (and loads more); but how for us to fully appreciate all of that it requires a response. It means we need to change how we live to honour God. Of course we will never get it 100% right, but God sees the heart and sees our intentions. 

I think sometimes I forget that God sees everything. Just like on that bus I forgot that people could see me. There is nothing I can hide from God. That is both a little scary (I can't hide anything from God), but also hugely freeing. God sees EVERYTHING. But yet he still has chosen me and loves me! WOW. Sometimes we want to hide our brokenness, guilt and inner-ugliness from God, but he sees through all of that, all of the crap we carry, and sees Jesus in us. 

For me it was a bit of a shake-up, I can't hide things from God - not even the things in my head. But I can ask for his help in making me to be more like him.

"For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil." Ecclesiastes 12:14

Nothing to give

On Tuesday mornings every week I meet with the team that I manage for XLP. I love this time; as those of you who know me will understand - I am a team player! I love being together and being part of something bigger than myself. I love learning and growing together. This week we spent some time writing letters to God about where we were at/what was on our hearts etc. We then had time to listen to see what God was saying in response. 

So I spent some time writing to God about how sometimes I feel like this - 

But imagine that the weight is life. Sometimes I just feel very weak. Sometimes I feel like I am getting weaker the older I get - especially when I am surrounded by people who have deep needs. I don't always know how to help, how to support, how to be like Jesus, how to encourage. Sometimes I feel like my resources are limited or non-existent. It doesn't take much to deplete my stocks!

Recently I have been really struck by how I want my life to count! I want to be doing what God has created me to do...and not being sure if I am in fact doing that. Sometimes I just feel a bit lost and like I'm drifting through life not necessarily living in the fullness that is mine through Christ. 

Anyway, after attempting to articulate this to God I really felt him direct me to the story of Gideon. For those of you who don't know it, basically Gideon was the runt. 

He was the "least in his family", his family was in the weakest clan and his clan was part of the smallest tribe of God's people, the Israelites. All of the Israelites were being oppressed and so God was looking for someone to raise up to rescue his people. At this point an angel visits Gideon who is hiding in a wine-press. He greets him saying, "The Lord is with you mighty warrior". Obviously Gideon is a bit like "uh what?!"* (*that's a paraphrase - real words here)

But then the angel said, "Go in the strength you have...am I not sending you". 

Now Gideon was runty and weak! If you continue to read the story (which you can here) he is scared and unsure. Not necessarily my top choice of who I would choose to lead God's people. But I really felt like that was what God was saying to me.

"Go in the strength you have, am I not sending you"

So much of the time I can base my life on what I can do. I forget that I serve a God who is MASSIVE! He can do way more. You see Gideon was a nobody and yet God used him to defeat his enemies and establish peace. I serve that same God who can use me when I feel very weak and like I've got nothing to give. 

For me it is a huge encouragement to be directed to this verse. To be reminded that God has just asked me to go as I am, with the skills and gifts I have and to serve him. Not only that, but that he is sending me. This reassures me that:

1. He will equip me with any other skills I might need - he just asks me to be willing to use what I've got
2. He has sent me - therefore when/if I am ever supposed to do something different he will make it clear

So while I might feel weedy like this...

....thankfully, I serve a God who is able to fill in what I lack so that I can be like this!

Sacrifice

A few days ago I got a text saying that maybe God was trying to talk to me about sacrifice. Now I don't know about you but generally when the word "sacrifice" is thrown out there I either think of Abraham about to kill his son, or I think about the story where Elijah is having the sacrifice competition with King Ahab. Neither of these stories fill me with joy as both require a pretty astounding level of trust in God. A level I feel like I will never reach if I'm honest. 

However, I didn't just want to dismiss this idea as something I'll never be able to get close to, so I did a little study. I have one of those Bibles (the big fat ones) that has a concordance in the back (most helpful thing ever.) So I looked up where it talks about sacrifice in the Bible.

Then I read the passages and made some notes - 

Then I had a think.

And I asked a few of you on facebook what you thought of when you heard the word "sacrifice". I got some great responses:

• Dying to Self
• Jesus' sacrifice for us
• Abraham and Isaac
• Marriage
• Elton John
• Putting other people before you/being willing to serve others - a number of people said this
• King Julian in Madagascar 2! (personal favourite)
• Love
• Goats/Fire/burnt sacrifice

And then I drew some conclusions with everything I had read/thought about.

#1. What God wants most is our heartfelt, pure, authentic worship

• "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." Matthew 23:37 (Greatest Commandment)
• "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God – this is your true and proper worship." Romans 12:1

#2. He deserves this worship because of the sacrifice that Jesus' death was

• "...we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all." Hebrews 10:10
• "This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." 1 John 4:10

#3. Our response to Jesus' sacrifice should be to love like he did

• "...live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5:2
• "Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." 1 John 4:11-12

So when I think about sacrifice instead of it being about an unobtainable trust in God, it's actually more like trying to love God and love others. Now while this might seem easier, speaking from experience, loving God and people to a good standard is actually flipping hard! But I can trust that while I find it difficult to have the incredible trust that people in the Bible had - God doesn't leave me on my own to suss it out. He is there, and his Holy Spirit is at work helping me to think less of myself and more of others. 

• "He must become greater; I must become less." John 3:30

Sacrifice in a nutshell.

* Disclaimer - I am not a Biblical scholar. I'm just trying to adventure my way through life with God...so please correct me if any of this is wrong!