Unfailing

The last few posts I have written have been pretty depressing and just re-reading them now you would be forgiven for thinking that I was wallowing in a pit of despair. However, I'm not! My mum asked me why I put my thoughts/feelings out here for the world to read, she was worrying that I was exposing too much of myself. I guess to some extent I am exposing myself - I am saying what's really going on. But I do that because I don't want people to have some unrealistic expectation of who I actually am. I'm not someone who has everything worked out and who is able to be happy all the time. I'm someone who is just trying to work out what I was created to do/be. I guess I am trying to show that if you are feeling down sometimes, you aren't on your own.

Saying that, these last few weeks I have been feeling a whole lot better. Having a bit more of a work life balance is helping. Seeing people who are good for me is definitely helping and knowing myself and how I tick is opening my eyes as to why I think the way I do. 

I have been reading the book of Proverbs in the Bible and was struck by part of a verse:

My translation reads: "What a person desires is unfailing love..." and it struck me because it is so true. One of the reasons I was getting frustrated is because I want people who put me first, who don't cancel on me, who ring me up and meet up for dinner with me. I want people who speak good things to me and about me. 

Whilst I do know a number of people who do a pretty good job of loving me - upon reflection I was just really aware of how, as people, our love does fail. We desire unfailing love but we are unable to give it. I cannot be 100% unselfish 100% of the time. I mess up. I say and do things that I don't mean and later regret. I don't think of others all the time. Even when I'm really trying I don't get it right. 

But I guess it made me all the more aware of how our desire for unfailing love is met in Jesus. His love for us truly does not fail. Like even when we feel at our lowest or farthest, his love is still readily there. I desire to be loved unconditionally and God does that. I love the verse in Romans where it says "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). God didn't wait for me to love him before he loved me - God has always and will always love me. His love is unfailing. 

Most of the time I cannot get my head around that. I base my understanding on what I know of the world, and lets me honest if you annoy someone and don't listen to them there is a limit to how much love they will have for you. But God isn't like anything I know. A lot of the time I feel totally unworthy that God would love me - despite knowing all of the stuff I have done and continue to do, he still loves me. But the fact that he does means that I can trust him. And that helps a lot when I feel alone. I desire unfailing love, and I have a God who is able to satisfy that desire.

God At Work

It's been all quiet on the blogging front for a few weeks. Believe me, not for lack of things to say - never! But more that life has been pretty jam-packed and blogging just hasn't been up there as a priority.

As a brief overview this is what I have got up to:

• I had a weekend away with kids at a place called Macaroni Woods. We took 12 kids from one the estates I work on to go and experience the joys of Oxfordshire. It was a glorious weekend, lots of sun and adventures, however very little sleep. Thankfully the weekend allowed us to have some quality conversations and to deepen relationships. God is good.
• The following weekend I had a quick trip to the Design Museum in Tower Bridge, a birthday party and then trained down to Tunbridge Wells for a little surprise for Mothers Day. I found out that my Grandad hadn't been very well and was in hospital. Thankfully I managed to go and visit him; he's home now, but that visit was pretty crap - he didn't know where he was, who I was really or why he was in the hospital. Getting old is rubbish. However, since then I have had opportunities to speak to him about God and that hasn't happened ever.
• Planning and then going to Spring Harvest. I was heading up the 11-14s venue "Distinctive" for the first time and it was flipping amazing! Beforehand people were asking me how I was feeling about it all and I felt pretty unprepared and nervous as I really didn't want the week to flop. However, God was incredible. Not only did I get to see young people become Christians, but I also saw young people get healed, healing others, having words and being released from all host of things. I saw God use my team and myself and it was just awesome.
• In between all of this I have actually been working with XLP too. I have continued to do lunch clubs, youth clubs, bus sessions, girls groups and mentoring...as well as line management with my team. It's been a busy few weeks!

In the last few weeks I just feel like God has been doing something in me. I'm not sure what it is exactly, but I just know that he's at work. It's exciting. Love the adventure.